COLUMN: LOUIE’S LOCK AND LOAD EATERY by John P. Flannery

Ready to go to Louie's to eat!

I’m Louie, originally from up around Pleasant Avenue in Manhattan, the “Big Apple,” where we have the Sullivan laws and guns are verboten.  We got a crazy Governor who is imposing even more stringent gun laws.  Who needs that?  It’s nature’s way to thin the herd – violence I mean.  Guns don’t kill people.  It’s the men with guns who kill people.  They’d do the same thing with a jack knife.

So I came to the hand gun capitol of the world, Virginia, where a man can wrap his hand around a gun and carry it almost anywhere.  I could feel the air fill my lungs with liberty when I crossed the Potomac.  This is a place that understands the Second Amendment.

I had a great sub pizza place in New York, called “Louie’s,” what else, but I didn’t feel free, not with the Mayor beefing that all these Virginia hand guns were coming into New York killing people.  Whine!  Whine! Mayor Boohooberger.

Now I’m opening a restaurant in Purcellville, and I’m calling it “Louie’s Lock and Load Eatery,” where a man can bring his gun and let those girly men and tense women take their appetites elsewhere – if they can’t understand the need to open carry.  Who needs ‘em?

I’m getting a liquor license and I hope to change the law in Virginia so that real men and women can drink and open carry their side arms.

You know in Tombstone, Arizona, they didn’t allow guns into the saloons.  Pansies!  If Wyatt Earp, Doc Holliday, and the boys hadn’t defied Tombstone’s ordinance banning guns within the city limits in 1881, we would have never had the gunfight at the OK Corral wiping out the Clanton Brothers and the McLaurys – and, well, also wounding a few Earp brothers.  They did this with six-shooters.  Maybe a shotgun or two.  30 shots in 30 seconds.  Congress today wants to limit magazines.  Poppycock!

I’m gonna preserve the delicious meatballs we’ll be serving at Lock and Load with gunpowder.  Too few people don’t appreciate that the nitrites and nitrates in gun powder have been used to preserve meat going back to the middle ages.  I know salt peter has gotten a bad rap.  But this is a good idea.

Our menu is loaded with our specialties - kapow pizza, shootin’ subs, pistol pasta, ricochet rolls, and projectile pie.

We are not concerned that some gun nut will come into lock and load and go postal on us.  We’d cut him down in a New York minute. 

Our door is modeled on Clint Eastwood’s famous “Sudden Impact” line, with a lifelike shooting arm coming straight out of our front door, holding his long barreled .44 Magnum revolver, and a recording says, “Make my Day!”  Isn’t that just the greatest?

I’ve been surprised that some have said my concept is “creepy.”  Really?  Well, I expect to carry high and tight on my fleshy thigh, my big bad boy, my Smith and Wesson Model 500 Magnum.  It’s got a barrel almost 8 ½ inches long, has an extra-large exposed hammer, satin stainless finish, it’s a 5-shooter cylinder, 350 grain bullets, but you don’t need more than five shots.  It’s got a 2,600 foot/pound muzzle energy.  It’s for hunting, yeah, the most canny animal of them all, the two-legged animal.  It knocks down whatever it hits.

Like I said, Virginia’s the place to be if you love your guns.  And Louie’s Lock and Load Eatery is the place to eat while you open carry the gun you love.